Asking Eric: Is this enough reason to violate my son’s no-contact request?

Dear Eric Five years ago on Mother s Day my adult son suddenly cut me out of his life Related Articles Asking Eric I m the bride s great-uncle who s going to hell Asking Eric My husband s family has this odd rule about naming sons How do I explain it to our kid Asking Eric He says the stepchildren don t deserve anything I think that sounds mean Asking Eric We re keeping a heavy secret from our neighbors Asking Eric They insist on having their child piggyback on my son s birthday party He communicated me he no longer yearned contact because he didn t like the way he was raised and considered me a negative presence I didn t agree with his reasons but I respected his choice I ve honored his no-contact request ever since I ve never reached out to him directly I did contact his wife once early on and when one of my grandchildren turned I sent a short letter letting him know I loved him and that now he could choose for himself as an adult whether to have a relationship with me I didn t hear back but I plan to do the same for the others when they come of age My question is If I become terminally ill or find myself on my deathbed would it be wrong to send my son a letter asking if he d want to be notified when the time comes Or would that be passing a line even in the face of death When I had cancer a meager years ago I didn t contact him but I did tell my daughter to let him know if I passed Thankfully I made it through but I know I m living on borrowed time A Mother Who Still Loves Her Son Dear Mother I m sorry that it s come to this between you and your son Estrangement is so hard and can be so confusing I m curious however if there s a deeper need that you re trying to address with this question It s clear that your son s decision is painful and you feel helpless to fix it And so the mind naturally goes to a scenario that might get a response But getting his permission to notify him in the event of your death is not going to fully satisfy you What you re reaching for is a connection with your son Or at the least reassurance that there is still something left in your relationship Both are understandable And I believe that s something you ll need to address in life Your son doesn t need to give you permission to have someone notify him when you pass It s also attainable he wouldn t respond to that letter either which would make you feel worse Your daughter has already agreed to do it and I can t see why she wouldn t follow through Also if you have a will he d be contacted by the executor of your estate If you want to reset or repair your relationship because of your sense of borrowed time you should Now that might involve certain deeper soul-searching chosen work with a counselor or specific amends And you have to go into acknowledging that your son still may not respond at all But do the work you can in life it will provide you more comfort Dear Eric When my husband and I disagree the fight often comes down to him saying You just look for reasons to be mad at me It is so demeaning to me And it relieves him from responsibility because if my grievances are entirely imaginary he doesn t need to do anything We don t have countless disagreements but neither do we make progress when they happen I wish for various more understanding Can you provide various advice Tired of Fighting Dear Tired You re right on the money It takes any onus off of him and makes his behavior your responsibility and your challenge It s helpful in a calm moment to communicate this to him using I statements Explain how it feels when he says it and how you wish it to be different Now the big caveat is that you may say that even this is a reason you re finding to be mad at him Here s the thing about being mad at a partner Sometimes you really don t have to go looking for it And that can be OK we re human we don t dependably see eye to eye But if he can t acknowledge your feelings as valid even if he doesn t agree he s giving you another reason to be mad And worse he s undermining you Related Articles Harriette Cole How can I teach this crooked mechanic a lesson Miss Manners We were yelled at in a Paris opera house Were we in the wrong Dear Abby I m angry that my supermarket has this new rule Asking Eric I m the bride s great-uncle who s going to hell Dear Abby A stranger sneered at my T-shirt and I didn t know what to say This is an unhealthy way to argue Multiple couples benefit from tackling this issue in couples therapy It may seem a little backwards to go into therapy with the stated desire to argue better But therapy isn t invariably about getting you to a place where you never argue It s about getting you to a place where when arguments happen they re rooted in clear productive communication so that you can move through it rather than getting stuck in it He s latching on to a narrative about you that is getting both of you stuck Talking about your process for disagreement with a therapist will help untangle the narrative and write a new one Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com